


loved as what i am

by patrokla (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/patrokla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>some mornings he wakes up and he feels wrong. his skin doesn’t fit like it should, or it fits too well. he looks in the mirror, trying to find an angle where his jaw is softer and his frame curvier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	loved as what i am

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a tiny ficlet i wrote because i have, uh, similar issues. and also i'm pretty sure josh wore a dress at one of the shows last week. very rough, sorry about that. title from bonnie prince billy's 'wolf among wolves'.

usually josh is fine with being himself. he likes his hats and tattoos and he loves drumming and tyler, and everything is okay in his world.

and then some mornings he wakes up and he feels…wrong. his skin doesn’t fit like it should, or it fits too well. he looks in the mirror, trying to find an angle where his jaw is softer and his frame curvier. 

it doesn’t work. obviously. because that’s not his body, that’s not him. and most days he’s okay with that. most days he likes it.

but some mornings he wakes up and nothing matches up.

tyler helps, unknowingly. he provides an excuse - josh goes with him to the mall and when tyler ignores the signs that say ‘men’s’ and ‘women’s’ josh does too. when tyler holds up flowing flowery shirts and robes, josh smiles and feels safer about running his hands along the dresses hanging on the wall.

for a long time, it’s ‘touch but don’t buy.’ no one tells this to josh, he makes his own rules. and his rules say that it’s okay to feel how he does, but he doesn’t need to indulge it. that would be unnecessary. 

and then one day they’re on stage, somewhere in europe - hamburg, maybe - and he looks at tyler, tyler who’s pouring his soul out and wearing a floral chiffon robe from forever fucking 21, and people love it. people love him. 

it’s a turning point. the next time they go to the mall, josh goes with intentions. he has a list on his phone of all his measurements, and while tyler looks through blouses, josh goes to ponder the dresses.

he doesn’t buy anything, but he grabs three to try on and even if he feels pangs of embarrassment when he looks in the changing room mirror and everything looks all wrong, it’s still something. he’s started something.

tyler notices, too, because when they’re driving home afterwards he presses a kiss to josh’s cheek and josh knows that he understands. 

the next time, he buys a dress. it could pass as a long shirt on him, going half to his knees, but it’s got a scooped back and when josh puts it on and looks at himself in the mirror, he feels - different. still a little uneasy in himself, but the dress settles him.

he wears it to the next show on top of leggings (plausible deniability), and before they go out, tyler runs a hand down his bare back. he smiles at josh and tells him “i’m proud of you.”

it’s not everything, but when they take the stage and the crowd cheers, josh feels almost invincible. he feels like himself.


End file.
